OK folks, I needed a little fun time this evening. Forgive me but ... I found it. Enjoy.
Which one has the attitude and will probably tell you to fetch your own frisbee?
When our pets one day inevitably rise up, they'll probably be pretty ticked about the whole neutering thing. And you can bet they'll remember those stupid outfits we made them wear. If that was the worst of it, they'd probably be willing to grant us the quick deaths we'll beg for.
I suppose I could have included a #7 and thrown in those ridiculous doggie outfits that bimbo people who keep "purse pooches" dress them in!
Unfortunately, we'll all be dying the slowest most humiliating deaths our pets can come up with, and know the whole time that we had it coming, thanks to stuff like ...
#6. PET PLASTIC SURGERY
So you underwent plastic surgery and are slowly coming to the
realization that it wasn't your slightly longer than average toes that were
making you unhappy. You could keep picking at the scab on your soul with even
more plastic surgery, or you could realize that nothing you do to the outside
of your body will fix what's bothering you ... because the problem is clearly
your dog Rex's stupid looking face.
.
"Could
you make him appear to be in a constant state of surprise?"
Cosmetic surgery for pets is becoming
more and more readily available, and people who own dogs and silently weep
themselves to sleep at night are jumping at the opportunity. In some cases, the
surgery is medically warranted, due to infections in the wrinkles of
melty-faced dogs, and breathing problems due to pug noses.
Of course, these are
often the exact wrinkles and smushy noses that have been artificially bred into
the creatures for maximum cuteness. For instance, this sharpe's face looked
like rumpled up laundry because humans thought it would be cute, and then those
same humans had to operate on his face upon realizing that there's a reason
evolution didn't invent Pound Puppies.
"My world is a sinus infection."
Via Realself.com
And then there are the times when the breed doesn't live up to
the cosmetic features they're bred for, and they need to be fixed up so the
neighbors will stop looking down on you. For instance, your Doberman's ears
aren't as perky as you'd hoped? That's nothing a head clampin' can't fix:
.
"People won't take this hundred pound tooth-monster seriously without
straight ears."
And then there are the procedures that are really difficult to
justify. Namely, stuff like cosmetic facelifts and nose jobs, testicle implants and
freaking Botox and Metacril injections. The
origins of the trend can be traced back to the insanely competitive dog show
circuit, where rumors of surgical appearance enhancement by certain owners have
existed for years.
One puppy was facing the end of his show career due to a
drooping ear, which would have been tragic for his creepy owner and absolutely
nobody else. And then a vet in Brazil injected its ear with so much wrinkle
remover that it stood straight up again. And everyone who wasn't the dog, and
didn't have a soul, lived happily ever after.
.
"That's right, jump for it, you little beast."
Getty
Some veterinarians have started openly advocating and advertising pet plastic surgery as totally
safe and worth it, and information has started spreading even outside the usual suspects thanks to media coverage.
And that, dear reader, is how we came to live in a world where tummy tucks for cats are a
thing (WARNING: Video offers definitive proof that we live in a horrible world).
.
#5. MAKE UP AND SPAS
Via Geeksaresexy.net
As PETA is fond of reminding us, cosmetics and animals have a
rather strained relationship. So it might surprise you to learn that cosmetics for animals are a
booming business. Misguided pet owners can find perfectly ordinary pet shampoos,
conditioners and other basics of dog grooming.
.
And then you find the corrector lipstick ...
.
Via Fortissimo.cz
... to give your pets' nose and lips that extra black color that
nobody but you will ever notice...
In case you think that webpage has to be a front for some secret
animal testing conspiracy, there are plenty of others that offer stuff that's even
stupider than that. For instance, Pawlish is a pet
nail polish that must have been invented by a taxidermist, since that's the
only way you're going to get an animal to sit still while you delicately paint
its tender claws.
.
Unless you're The Beastmaster or a druid.
Getty
So now your pet is covered in pink nail polish because she
wouldn't sit still while you stuffed cotton balls between her toes, and you're
none too eager to clean her up since you've just been mauled by an animal with
poisonous wet paint on her nails.
.
Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Via Mydogbliss.com
Fortunately, there are pet spas that will clean her up for you.
Because the only thing your beloved pet likes more than strangers is strangers who try to give them baths. If
you really want to show her what happens to bad kitties, there's the Japanese Washmatic-Kan, which is apparently aimed
at pet owners who are tired of trying to get their pets to sit still on the
roof of the car while sending it through the automated car wash.
To get an idea of how pets feel about this innovation, combine
your pet's heart stopping fear of vacuum cleaners and being left alone, and
multiply it by the sound it makes when you try to give it a bath. Or you can
just watch this cat turn into an insane hurricane the second the machine
starts.
.
.
Good news
for justifiably ticked-off cats everywhere: another version of the
machine is making rounds in Europe that has a washing/drying program that lasts
half an hour.
#4. FUR DYES
Nothing here is photoshopped. In fact, using fur dyes to transform pets into the stars of rejected Trapper Keepers is apparently huge in China. And while Westerners gawk in horror at Asia's more liberal stance toward eating dogs and cats, it turns out that's just because pets aren't that cute when deep fried. When it comes to potentially adorable pet abuse, it turns out we're much more forgiving, judging from all the different colors of pet fur dye being marketed as a "trendy new way to get your pet noticed."
.
"Shake!
Speak! Pray for death!"
(ED: In China for the past few years as wealth has grown, the big trend has been to make your pet resemble the horoscope animal of the year. This poor pooch was painted during the Year of the Tiger)
And it is abuse. Pet dyeing is difficult and dangerous as hell. Veterinarians tend to strongly advise against home dyeing, because CTFA approved, completely safe dyes are so rare that they aren't actually available in America. Part of the problem is that it's difficult to get animals not to lick the foreign substance their trusted caregivers just rubbed all over their bodies. And one lick later, well, you'd better have the vet who told you not to do it in the first place on speed dial.
And it is abuse. Pet dyeing is difficult and dangerous as hell. Veterinarians tend to strongly advise against home dyeing, because CTFA approved, completely safe dyes are so rare that they aren't actually available in America. Part of the problem is that it's difficult to get animals not to lick the foreign substance their trusted caregivers just rubbed all over their bodies. And one lick later, well, you'd better have the vet who told you not to do it in the first place on speed dial.
.
Via Daily Mail
Even if your pet manages to survive your attempt to turn them
"Magic Purple," you might get them jumped at the dog park, since
bright colors are essentially nature's prison tattoos. According to animal
behavioral expert Clara Guest, it's very possible that vivid, unnatural
coloring affects the way other animals react to them.
In nature, bright colors and color patterns often naturally
evolve to communicate certain messages to other
animals. For instance, many poisonous snakes are believed to be brightly
colored to warn predators not to fuck with them. While it may make your dog
look like a pussy to humans, as far as the other dogs at the dog park are
concerned, your dog just rolled into San Quentin with a chest full of white
power tats.
.
The dogs absolutely love the attention. That is all they know, they are being fussed over and that is what poodles are all about.
.
ED: Regarding these extreme poodles below. I do have to speak in defence of this idiocy. I know the nature of poodles very well. Besides the fact that their fur is perfect for this silliness, there are strict rules to this. Almost all the owners are hair designers and all products used must be natural in origin and not damaging to the dog.
.
.
I also know that poodles LOVE the grooming and attention of being played with this way. It is not all done at once. The dogs are prepped to a certain extent before the contest with lots of play time. The only time they are still is for the 45 minutes or so of the show when they are groomed before the audience. The dye washes out within a short while; it is not permanent.
.
Yep, that dog looks completely comfortable.
Via Pawnation.com
#3. TATTOOS
Not every pet has fur to dye. This presents a challenge to certain pet owners, who know they can't just settle for boring old animal clothing to suit their pet pimping needs. Fortunately, enterprising souls in Russia solved that dilemma in the most ridiculous way possible.
.
We're
going to go ahead and just blame this on Chernobyl.
That is not paint, nor is it a henna tattoo. That is an adult
Sphinx cat with a chest tat bigger than its own head. Proportionally, it's bigger
than what you're likely to see in most biker bars, and it's far from an isolated incident.
.
Farm animals and larger pets ~ mainly dogs ~ have been given
identification tats for ages. But those are usually done with this little
plier-like apparatus:
.
Via Prodgoz.com
.
If you've ever gotten a tattoo, you know that when it's in action, that thing is a buzzing, prickling horror that can make a grown man cry long before he realizes how fast he'll grow out of his Grateful Dead phase. Of course, that's not really a fair comparison since the percentage of your cat's body that's having ink permanently stabbed into it is far greater than anything you, or most bikers, would be able to handle.
.
It's not surprising that a large colored piece can hurt well after the animal wakes up.
Giving your pet a tattoo that big is basically like subjecting it to major
surgery, complete with the aches and itching of the healing process. Oh, and
they also use the same potentially allergy inducing inks your
vet doesn't want you putting in their hair, because of how sensitive animal
skin can be. But surely it'll be OK when stabbed under its skin.
The tattoo fad goes beyond cats and dogs, though. Look no
further than New York for tattooed goldfish of all things,
imported straight from Singapore.
.
.
Wait,
what? ... How do you even? ... What?
The fish have been tattooed with simple designs using that same
human tattoo gun, which is the rough size equivalent of a human getting
tattooed with a harpoon.
.
Businesses have noticed the pet tattoo trend and are trying like
hell to make it profitable in one way or another. There is, in fact, an actual payday loan company right here
in the U.S.A. that offers its loans with an inbuilt stipulation to shave parts of your pet and tattoo it
with the company logo of their choice.
.
.
#2. MESSING WITH THEIR SENSES
We can take their dignity, but the one thing our pets will
always have on us are their keen animal senses. Fortunately, the senses are
mostly invisible verbs, so there's no clear way for pet owners to dye them hot
pink and pack them full of plastic testicles. Doesn't matter. We've found a way
to mess with them.
.
Take for instance the dog's superpowered sense of smell. The reason
dogs sniff around so much when we take them on walks is that their sense of
smell can detect who was doing what in these parts over the course of weeks.
Unlike any of our senses, a dog's nose lets it sense across time. Imagine how
badass it would be if you could hear stuff echoing around your neighborhood
days after it happened.
.
Now imagine if you could do that, but were forced to carry
around a giant boombox all the time because your deaf caretakers didn't like
the sounds you made. Now you know how dogs must feel when we make them wear dog
perfume.
Despite the aggressive stupidity of that concept, there are many, many varieties of dog perfume, including one that people are apparently willing to pay $60 for called "Sexy Beast," to a large variety of $6 dog perfumes that are probably just left over Drakar Noir from the early '90s. There appears to be a thriving industry in making sure our pets smell like a middle school dance while robbing them of the one thing they do better than us.
Despite the aggressive stupidity of that concept, there are many, many varieties of dog perfume, including one that people are apparently willing to pay $60 for called "Sexy Beast," to a large variety of $6 dog perfumes that are probably just left over Drakar Noir from the early '90s. There appears to be a thriving industry in making sure our pets smell like a middle school dance while robbing them of the one thing they do better than us.
.
$44,
and it smells like baby powder. Criminy!
Via Petsugar.com
Dogs and cats are pretty tactile creatures, so if you want to
pretty much render them oblivious to the world around them, you can give them
the full Sex and the City
treatment: outfit it with pet shoes to go with
its perfume. Pet shoes are exactly what it says on the box: tiny little dog
ballerina slippers some people make their dogs wear so they don't mess up the
floor after those pesky "walks." Just look at this video to see how
much the dogs love this idiocy:
.
.
Haha! Her only sense of firm ground under her paws is robbed from him, and she doesn't even want to walk to treats.
Next let's blindfold the kids and make them run around in the backyard!
#1. PIERCINGS
At first glance,
piercings on pets seem kind of stupid, but by no means as bad as some of the
other stuff out there. After all, everyone's seen those plastic earmark things
on cattle, and they don't seem the worse for wear. Then you take a second
glance, and the madness unfolds.
.
Both of
these people need to be in protective custody.
Via Holy Taco
See, unlike most other
items on this list, this is something there are absolutely no professionals
for. The few that have tried to offer pro pet piercing services have
(understandably) been browbeaten to oblivion. Pet
piercers are a DIY community, and holy shit there seems to be a lot of
them. Since they appear to be naturally ashamed, no actual figures on the
amount of hobbyists exist, but the world's largest online body modification
community BMEzine used
to maintain huge gallery of
"modified" pets. BMEzine.com, a site dedicated to bragging about
drilling holes in your body, was pretty uncomfortable with pet piercing, and
have since taken the whole thing down. And it's not hard to see why.
.
For instance, take the
dog groomer who took up manufacturing "gothic
kittens" as a hobby.
She did this by giving the animals multiple piercings with a 14-gauge cattle needle and tying their tails with elastic bands to stem the blood flow so the tail would fall off. Then she tried to sell them on eBay.
She did this by giving the animals multiple piercings with a 14-gauge cattle needle and tying their tails with elastic bands to stem the blood flow so the tail would fall off. Then she tried to sell them on eBay.
.
Are people this stupid? Really? Via CBS News
No such luck for this poor fish whose
owner gave him a lower lip stud because quote, "I was bored, and the fish
was at the shop. It all started out as a joke, but it looked cool and it never
affected him adversely. So I just left it in."
.
Apparently,
making him the first artistically (?) pierced fish in the
Not to enter zoological
debates with a clear professional, but how the hell does piercing a fish not
affect it adversely? Lip piercing is how humans catch fish.
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