IDF OFFICER PROMOTIONAL EXAM

GOON SQUAD
By Greg Bacon
August 8, 2009

1.) Your unit is engaged in a 'peacekeeping' operation in Gaza, when you notice a building that has withstood IAF carpet bombing. The building seems to be filled with wounded Gazans, mostly women and children. What do you do?

A) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of F16's to finish the job.

B) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of Apache helicopters so they can use their Gatling guns and level the structure.

C) Call an IDF artillery barrage down on the building.

D) All of the above.

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2.) While pulling a 24 hour tour of duty in a guard tower situated on the West Bank security fence, you notice through your binoculars about a kilometer away several Arab shepherds, appearing to be tending their flocks. Since nothing is what it seems and Palestinians are not to be trusted, what do you do?

A) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of F16's to eliminate the Palestinian spies.

B) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of Apache helicopters so they can use their Gatling guns and take out the sneaky Palestinian saboteurs.

C) Call an IDF artillery barrage down on the shepherds and their flock of suicide-vested sheep.

D) All of the above.

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3.) Your squad has been dispatched into southern Lebanon to setup and fire some Israeli made Qassams back into Israel. You notice two elderly Lebanese several hills over, picking olives. However, nothing is ever as it seems and we all know you can't trust the Lebanese. What do you do?

A) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of F16's to eliminate the Lebanese spies.

B) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of Apache helicopters so they can use their Gatling guns and take out the sneaky Lebanese saboteurs.

C) Call an IDF artillery barrage down on the orchard.

D) All of the above.

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4.) You are in charge of a hand-picked unit that has setup a sniper post in the Golan Heights, with orders to shoot anything that moves across the border in Syria. While faithfully carrying out your orders, you realize a busload of Palestinian school kids have somehow crept up on you and have been observing your unit carrying out its glorious orders. Since nothing is what it appears to be and we all know Palestinian schoolchildren can't be trusted, what do you do?

A) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of F16's to eliminate the spying schoolchildren.

B) Radio the IAF and have them send in a flight of Apache helicopters so they can use their Gatling guns and take out the sneaky 5th grade saboteurs.

C) Call an IDF artillery barrage down on the school bus and its inhabitants.

D) All of the above.

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5.) IDF Command is needing an 'excuse' to invade southern Lebanon. Your unit today consists of your trusted Ashkenazim First Sergeant and 6 Ethiopian grunts that have been temporarily detailed to your squad. Your unit sneaks into southern Lebanon, but meets no roving patrols that you would allow to 'kidnap' the Ethiopians. What do you do?

A) Slit the throats of the Ethiopian IDF troops and scrawl Arabic symbols on their bodies, then make an 'anonymous' call to our friend at the CNN Tel Aviv bureau.

B) Machine gun the Ethiopian IDF troops and leave the AK47's used for the task behind, then make an 'anonymous' call to our friend at the CNN Tel Aviv bureau.

C) Dress up like Arabs and sneak back into Israel, find the nearest village and shoot a few of the Jewish inhabitants to make sure it makes CNN and FOX News while recording the vicious 'Arab' attack against peace loving Jews on your cell phone.

D) All of the above.

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6.) Your squad has been detailed to riot control in the West Bank. When manning your post, you notice several Hasidic Rabbis leading a large crowd of 'peace' loving Chosen Ones carrying baseball bats, axe handles and M16's. They set upon a Palestinian farmer's house and drag the residents outside, where they start beating them and setting fire to their olive groves. What would you do?

A) Let your squad continue on with the day's entertainment; the rape of a 15 yo Palestinian girl.

B) Tune in your IDF issued comm radio to a soccer match.

C) Pass out cigarettes to your squad that is taking a break from the festivities.

D) All of the above.

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7.) Our country is being sabotaged by a sneaky US president who dare utter a word repugnant to Israeli's, peace. The IDF has been tasked to eliminate all talk of peace in the ME. What would you do?

A) Kidnap a West Bank teenager, shot him full of drugs, strap an Israeli made suicide vest on him and turn him loose in a crowded market and detonate the device.

B) Kidnap a Gazan truck driver and his vehicle and shoot him full of drugs. Pack the vehicle with high explosive and tie the drugged driver to the steering wheel. Using your GPS remote driver device, steer the dynamite laden truck into a crowded market place full of G-d's Chosen and detonate the device.

C) Dress your unit up like they were West Bank Arabs. With the Shin Bet providing cover, charge into a crowded market and shoot up the place, shouting Allah Akbar, then retreat under Shin Bet cover fire and leave some dead Palestinians behind that were harvested from one of our jails.

D) All of the above.

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If you have correctly answered D to all of the above questions, then you have passed the IDF Officer Exam and will soon be commanding a front line unit in our never ending war against the Untermenschen!!

Congratulations on becoming an officer in the world's 'Most Moral Army!'

EXTRA INCENTIVE BONUS!

GET EVERY QUESTION CORRECT AND YOU MAY CHOOSE ONE OF THE IDF SPECIAL EDITION SNIPER TEE SHIRTS BELOW. BE SURE TO SPECIFY YOUR CHOICE AND SIZE IN THE UPPER LEFT HAND OF THE TEST.