HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY: EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY

David Cole's flag of melted toy soldiers.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 And now for some sorta humour.

In 2002 this was all Flag-o-Rama was: a silly little page on my website mocking the sudden surge in tacky patriotic junk sold by people aiming to cash in on 9/11. I basically just snagged some photos from Amazon and Photoshopped them with American flaggery. A few years later it grew into a blog because there's always more of this crap to share. :)

Super Giant Ultra Manly Mega Roadbeast - New, from the folks who brought you the Ford Phallus!  Climb into this luxury roadhog and prepare for the ultimate patriotic driving experience.  Feel the power of the beast as you run down foreigners and other un-American scum (and their pets) in their tracks.  Nobody can run from the power of American Pride!  Sure, it sucks down 30 gallons of gas a day, polluting the air and funding many aspiring Middle East terrorists, and it will put you in debt for many years to come...but why should you let all that get in the way of your God-given freedom to buy and drive huge, hulking tanks, far bigger and more powerful than anyone needs for everyday use? - $89,999

Ameri-Pits - Yes, now you can banish the foul stink of foreign dictatorships and turban-wearing terrorscum forever with this powerful new deodorant.  Your pits will be invaded, conquered, and rebuilt with a new regime of freshness!  Not for use on the French. -  $19.95 (per pit)

Proud Faces Pore Cleanser - Real Americans don't tolerate facial blemishes, which is why you can't possibly live a productive life without owning our incredible All-American Rechargeable Pore Cleanser.  Suck terrorist blackheads right off your face and make your skin safe for democracy! - $99.95

Udderly American Breastpump - Are you a proud American mother with a newborn patriot in your arms?  If so, you're in dire need of this amazingly beautiful U.S. Flag Breastpump.  Nurture your child with Old Glory.  Betsy Ross would be proud! - $349.95

Coffeemaker of Victory - Everyone knows that only anti-American pigs don't drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning before work.  Well, now you can start your mornings with a patriotic cup of coffee, freshly brewed in our new U.S. Flag Coffeemaker, and feel safe knowing that you're doing something good for your country!  Patriotism never tasted so good in the morning! - $139.95

Tampons of Glory - Let freedom flow with these specially-designed American Flag tampons.  They're great for those times where protection is a must:  baking apple pies, leading church activities, or walking down the beach at sunset with your daughter having one of "those talks".  It's the most all-American thing any woman could ever use...period! - $49.95  (box of 12)

Special Offer!! -  If you order one (or more) of the Loadmaster Deluxe toilets, we'll send your pussycat his very own U.S. flag litter-box!  This is a beautiful high-quality box, lovingly handcrafted by the good folks at TurdWurx Ltd.  And when you toss in the included mini Evil Regime action figures, your kitty can drop his own little bombs on the sands of Iraq.  Meee-YOW!

Silverware of the Free - Yes, food actually tastes better with these marvelous pieces of silverware.  Each bite becomes a tribute to America!  Crafted with care by underpaid metalsmiths for your dining pleasure, these shiny beacons of freedom are perfect for stuffing your face with pride 'n' glory! - $79.95 per set  (Please note:  these utensils DO NOT work on French cuisine.)

Confeddy Freddy - This one's for the original fanatical flagwavers out there.  Some folks in the South know what it means to wave a flag at every possible opportunity, and we can't leave them out of the fun!  Freddy proudly sports the Confederate Flag in all its racist glory, and if you squeeze his tummy, he screams "Nuke those towelheads!  Kill 'em all!"  Confeddy Freddy unites the North AND South in a common bloodlust.  Great for tots! - $399.95

Tires of Pride - Rule the road, All-American style!  These megacool tires are complete with don't-tread-on-me treads and red shiny rims.  These beauties are great for running suspected terrorists down in the street, and they're guaranteed stain proof.  VROOOOM! -  $159.95 (each)

Loadmaster Deluxe - This magnificent work of toiletry is a must for every true patriot's home.  Crafted of 100% American-made porcelain and sporting our flag's beautiful stars & stripes, it will stand as a beacon of hope (and relief) in your bathroom.  And thanks to the Loadmaster's patented scenting technology, even the stankiest poo comes out smelling like Mom's apple pie.  It's craptacular! - $999.95 (Evil Dictator Toilet Paper sold separately.)

All-American Toothbrush - No self-respecting American would allow his teeth to go unbrushed, and we all know that terrorist scum don't brush properly.  That's why it's imperative to keep your teeth sparkling white to avoid any unpleasantness.  Our U.S. Flag Toothbrush is just the thing, and it's recommended by patriotic dentists everywhere.  Destroy anti-American plaque! - $49.95