December 27, 2012
There is plenty
of evidence that the earth is actually flat. I have personally driven on route
66 out west and noted that the road is perfectly flat and runs in a straight
line.
Those pictures
you see of the globelike earth allegedly taken from the moon are fake, as was
the fraudulent moon landing in 1969, which was actually filmed in Arizona.
The round earth
fraud was fabricated many centuries ago by Muslim extremists named Galileo and
Copernicus, both of whom became Catholics to conceal their nefarious
activities.
More recently
their heirs and successors established Sharia law in New Mexico in a town
called Roswell, covering up their subversions by pretending to be aliens from
outer space.
Today’s Muslims
think that demonstrating that the earth is round and orbits around the sun will
disorient patriotic Americans who can find no evidence of that in the Bible,
causing them to give up their guns and making the United States vulnerable to
attack by the Iranian army, which is well known to possess weapons of mass
destruction as well as powerful gliders that can cross the Atlantic Ocean and
deliver bombs with surgical precision.
Flat Earthers do
not want to see the smoking gun become a mushroom cloud.
Many other
people know that the earth is flat, though few are willing to admit publicly
that it is so for fear of dreadful punishment by the Muslim extremists, who
were recently detected introducing Sharia law in Oklahoma so they can close all
the churches; reestablish the Caliphate; start chopping off hands and feet; and
ban pork products, alcohol and public education for women.
Those who
subscribe to the Flat Earth concept understand that if we succeed in creating a
national Flat Earth consensus a lot of other good things will come along with
it so they persevere in spite of the danger.
Flat Earthers
believe in a number of things that appear to defy logic, but they know that
they will eventually be proven right. They have several sacred texts that are
linked to their beliefs. The most venerable is James Ussher’s The Annals of
the World, written in 1658, which determined that the world was created on Sunday, October 23rd, 4004
BC.
Ussher was the
Archbishop of Armagh and the Protestant Prelate of all Ireland, so he certainly
knew what he was writing about. He was probably the first genuine Flat Earther
and if he were around today he would no doubt be able to prove that all those
fossils of dinosaurs lying around are fake and were planted by the Muslim
extremists, who themselves have a calendar that begins in 622 A.D. with no
fixed date for the creation of the world because of their heathenish ignorance
of the theological importance of such a number.
Flat Earthers
are not afraid to take political positions. A recent holy text is called The
Tea Party Goes to Washington, which was written by Senator Rand Paul, or
possibly with the considerable assistance of someone else who actually penned
it for him after translating it from the original Aramaic.
Flat Earth
scholars are divided in their opinions. Rand has promised that everything will
change for the better after health care is abolished and government attempts to
adopt new standards for light bulbs and washing machines are abandoned. At that
point, universal Flat Earth can be proclaimed, but Rand later amended his view
to indicate that it might take a while and a few compromises will have to be
made along the way.
He explained
that it is important to have the Republican Party really like you first, just
as it graciously came around to celebrate his father after first banning most
of his convention delegates on procedural grounds. Ron Paul was subsequently
honored with a three minute and forty second video
played at a time when the convention hall was empty to commemorate his 22 years
in politics.
Having suddenly
discovered that there are Muslims in Oklahoma, Rand has decided that we
Americans will have to deal with them firmly, first by cutting off all aid to Pakistan and
other countries known to harbor cowardly extremists who reportedly do not like
us very much because we have been blowing them up.
He has begun to waffle on the issue of aid to Israel,
arguing that the problem is that the aid given to “unequivocal ally” Israel is
actually less than that provided to all of Israel’s neighbors. It has possibly
also been reported to Rand that the freedom loving Israelis really, genuinely,
and sincerely appreciate our money. In fact, Rand will soon be traveling to Israel with his entire
family to discover his “Judeo-Christian roots” and he will no doubt pick up a
few pointers on what to do about Muslim extremists while he is there.
To make Benjamin
Netanyahu like him even better Rand has voted in favor of sticking it to the Iranians
with even more sanctions, a necessary move to enhance America’s security given
all the WMDs and supersonic gliders that the Mullahs are known to possess.
The Flat
Earthers acknowledge Rand as the anointed son of Ron, which he certainly is
biologically speaking, though some dissidents within the movement admit that he
seems to have lost a few marbles along the way. There is a vague recollection
making the rounds suggesting that father Ron opposed sanctions on Iran and also
objected to all foreign aid, even for Israel. Never fear, however, as marbles
are regarded as purely tactical devices in Washington politics and they can be
replaced or even discarded.
It is expected
by Flat Earthers that Rand will get elected president in 2016 and will do all
the great things that his father was unable to do, even if he has to make some
sausage with cool guys like Senator Mitch McConnell to first demonstrate his
seriousness.
Flat Earthers
are reported to be divided on another political issue, but many believe that
the next American Secretary of Defense will be a guy named Chuck Hagel, who
once served as a Senator from Nebraska and who made the mistake of actually
going off and fighting in the Vietnam War, where he was a brave soldier and got
wounded. Everyone knows that all the smart guys in Washington carefully avoided
that war, which would have interrupted their pursuit of advanced degrees at
leading universities, degrees that later qualified them for all the top level
positions at the Pentagon to keep out the riffraff like Hagel.
On really solid
ground for a change, the Flat Earthers who like Hagel point out that he is
nevertheless eminently well qualified for the job and that he would be putting
American interests first, something that has not happened since Dwight
Eisenhower was president.
They do note,
however, that the appointment would require Commander in Chief Barack Obama to
develop a spinal cord, something that similarly has not been observed in any
president since Eisenhower. John F. Kennedy tried to develop one and was shot
for his pains.
One Flat Earth
historian also notes that a formidable organization called “The Lobby” has
never lost a fight with an American president also since Eisenhower, making the
Vegas line on Hagel something like 100 to 1 against. Nevertheless, Flat
Earthers are optimistic that it will be different this time around,
particularly if the Muslim extremists can be held in check in the Sooner State.
So Flat Earthers
are anticipating another great year in 2013 as long as the economy doesn’t
completely tank.
A world at peace
except in a few places where it is necessary to show the ragheads what we mean,
a really good Secretary of Defense instead of another timeserving lick-spittle
political hack, and a presidential candidate in the offing who will really
change things and make a difference as long as everyone is really patient and
doesn’t expect too much. It only requires wanting it all real bad and believing
to make it so.
.Read more by Philip Giraldi
.Read more by Philip Giraldi
- Christmas in Connecticut – December 19th, 2012
- Why Remember Iraq? – December 12th, 2012
- The Protocols for Death – December 5th, 2012
- Netanyahu’s War Crime – November 28th, 2012
- Educating the President – November 21st, 2012
