THE FIRST DRAFT OF GEORGE W BUSH'S MEMOIRS

 

By John Blumenthal*

November10, 2010

During my five year term as President of America, I made many impotent decisions. Dick told me being president would be easy but he was wrong, and you can only fool him twice so shame on me. Dick never told me there’d be a Congress. This was a big dose of realty for me. 

I’m proud of my many initiatives, like establishing the Hometown Security Department and passing the Parakeet Act. 

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have raised the defecate. But other presidents did that too. When you study history, sometimes you have to think about things that happened in the past. 

 

I love this country. As George Washington, the Husband of our Country, once said: “I wish I had more than two lives to give to my country.” I agree halfheartedly! 

It was hard being President of America. Lots of folks didn’t think I did a good job, but like I always say, “People in glass houses should wear their shoes on the other foot.” I guess they never heard my speech about that in the Ross Garden. 

I was The Decider, so I always did what Dick said. 

One of my first hard desertions was deciding whether to finish reading My Pet Goat. I knew there was a crisis going on, but I really wanted to know what happened to the goat at the end of the book. This was tough, but I finished the book later. It took me a week because I had to look stuff up in my dictionary. Laura helped me. She used to be a Liberrian before she changed to Republican. 

One of my favorite things was wearing that flight suit on that aircraft career to tell everybody that the Iraq War was a missionary accomplice. I looked pretty hot in that, I thought. If they’d given me a flight suit like that when I was in the Natural Guard, I would have stayed longer. No, maybe not. I’ll have to give that further consternation. 

I know I took too long to activate myself to the crisis in New Orleans, but I thought Hurricane Katrina, was a woman boxer not a rain storm until Brownie told me. I called him Brownie because his last name was Brown, not because I like brownies. That was a big misunderstanding in my administration.

I love Texas. It’s the greatest state in the onion, if you ask me. Like they say “Nothing is certain in life except debt in Texas.” 

You know, I still don’t understand why people made such a fuss about water boarding. 

When I was a kid, I used to love riding the waves at Kennybunkport and I thought the terrorists would too because they lived in the dessert. I know I’d love to ride a camel some day. 

How do I feel now? To be honest, after five long years, I’m glad to be retarded from the Presidency of America, but I kind of miss the Ovary Office and that song, “Hail to the Chef.” 

But my leprosy will live on forever.

John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years.His byline reads, "First class kvetch. Formidable braggart. Professional comedy writer. Published 8 books, written 2 movies. Former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine for 8 truly debauched years, following a short stint at Esquire. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last two novels, "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" and "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (only available online now) were both huge bestsellers among the members of my immediate family."