Deceased "American national treasure"Marilyn hears, via the heavenly grapevine, that British partyers planned to exhume her remains.
By Joel Bowman
February 1, 2012
First up, a quick public service announcement for our
International Travelers:
If you’re planning a vacation to the United States of America in
the foreseeable future, you would do well to refrain from employing any
confusing colloquialisms in your social media updates prior to departure.
For Australians, that means no “cracking onto” members of the
opposite sex…no getting “off one’s face”…no “tearing it up”…no “little rippers”
and, we would think, no “barrakking” for anyone.
Our Irish friends will likewise wish to steer clear of referring
to anything as “the gas,” from declaring intentions to “eat one’s head off” and
from “throwing shapes,” “sucking diesel” or otherwise “effin’ and blindin’.”
We can only imagine to what extent our English Travelers shall
have to curb their delightfully colorful lingo to ensure a stateside journey
(even relatively) free of let or hindrance at the gate, though we imagine no
measure of self-censorship will be sufficient to guarantee a transit experience
free of at least a touch of “Ye ol’ Liberty Grope.”
What’s all this caper then, eh? What’s the apple, the score, the
bleedin’ apple core?
Apologies for the loose linguistics, weary reader. But a point
begs its making; a point two British (would-be) tourists, Leigh Van Bryan and
Emily Bunting, discovered the hard way just last week.
Apparently rather chuffed at the upcoming prospect of a wee
jaunt over the pond, Van Bryan and Bunting engaged in a bit of online banter
before their big trip to the US. Mistake number one. The two were perhaps
unaware that the Department of Homeland Security routinely trolls the global
social media digital waves, setting up accounts to listen in on prospective
threats to…um…the “Homeland.”
We can only imagine the hysterical frenzy that whipped around
the DHS H.Q. when they discovered what Van Bryan, 26, had posted.
“Free this week for a quick gossip/prep before I go and destroy
America x”
Not that it should matter, but “destroy” is popular English
slang for “party”…an easily Googlable fact, one would think, for the highly
skilled heroes manning the control tower at the Twitter and Facebook Counter
Terrorism and Special Operations Unit for Liberty and Freedom of the Homeland…
Patriot… Liberty… uh, never mind.
After making their way through passport control at Los Angeles
International Airport (LAX) last week, the pair were promptly detained by armed
guards/heroes/patriots. But the real trouble was still to come.
The two were then informed that the DHS was on to their scheme
to “destroy” (read: party in) America and (Could it be? No! Sweet Mother of
Mercy!) their sick and twisted plot to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe!
“3 weeks today, we’re totally in LA p****** people off on
Hollywood Blvd and diggin’ Marilyn Monroe up!”
The pair explained that the tweet, which the DHS had considered
a grave matter of national security was, actually, a reference from Family Guy, a popular
television show produced in the
Homeland itself…behind patriot lines!
“They asked why we wanted to destroy America and we tried to
explain it meant to get trashed and party,” explained Bunting.
“I almost burst out laughing when they asked me if I was going
to be Leigh’s lookout while he dug up Marilyn Monroe. I couldn’t believe it
because it was a quote from the comedy Family
Guy which is an American show.”
Department of Homeland Security staff, brave unwavering
professionals as they are, were not deterred from their mission.
“It got even more ridiculous because the officials searched our
suitcases and said they were looking for spades and shovels. They did a full
body search on me too” explained Bunting.
Perhaps because grave-robbing spades and shovels have little to
do with (most people’s idea of) partying, the DHS were unable to find any in
the pair’s luggage or, strangely enough, on their person. Nevertheless, this
was no time to take chances:
“I kept saying to them they had got the wrong meaning from my
tweet but they just told me ‘you’ve really f***** up with that tweet boy’.”
Van Bryan, apparently thought to be the leader of the
non-existent operation, was then cuffed, thrown in a cage inside a van and
whisked away to a location where he could not be of harm to Homeland citizens.
Recounted the suspect:
“When we arrived at the prison [ed.: prison!] I was shoved in a
cell on my own but after an hour two huge Mexican men covered in tattoos came
in and started asking me who I was… They told me they’d been arrested for
taking cocaine over the border… When the food arrived on the tray they took it
all and just left me with a carton of apple juice.”
After 12 hours in custody, the pair were returned to the airport
where they were sent directly home…charge sheets in hand.
Emily “The Lookout” Bunting’s charge sheet stated: “It is
believed that you are travelling with Leigh-Van Bryan who possibly has the
intentions of coming to the United States to commit crimes.”
“Possibly
has the intentions”?
We can almost hear Special Twitter Task Force Agent Johnston saying, “That’s as
good as a thought crime to me!”
Added the charge sheet of one Leigh “Happy Birthday Mr.
President” Van Bryan:
“He had posted on his Tweeter website account that he was coming
to the United States to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe. Also on his tweeter
account Mr. Bryan posted that he was coming to destroy America.”
We’re not quite sure what a “Tweeter account” is, but you can be
sure the vigilant servicemen and women at the DHS are on the case.
Thank goodness the pair didn’t use the “we were only taking the
Mickey” defense.
Could you imagine the costs and hassle involved in having to put
Disneyland on high security lockdown?
We shudder to think.
So, to our International Travelers, remember to travel safely
both to and from the Homeland. And please, feel free to pass our public service
announcement on.
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