April 21, 2013
"The Jewish people have always had the utmost reverence for the laws of God, as handed down from Abraham to his son Isaac, to his son Jacob. However, from time to time, it is necessary to make slight revisions and modernizations to these laws," said council president Rabbi Menachem Saperstein, sucking on a hambone, his white beard soaked with succulent ham drippings.
"As no less a Talmudic scholar than Moses Maimonides once wrote, 'Change is the way of the Lord.'"
Added Saperstein, "Mmm... this is some tasty ham."
"During the Passover Seder, which commemorates our people's deliverance from slavery in Egypt, we will remember the day God brought us unto the Land of Milk and Honey by drinking a tall glass of milk with a thick slice of honey-glazed ham.""And joining the charoses and maror on the seder plate will be a ham roll, symbolizing the juicy, mouth-watering taste of freedom."
"As it is written in Genesis, Noah had a much-beloved son named Ham, who was the father of all Canaan," Saperstein said. "From this day forth, we shall honour Noah's greatest son by partaking of the flesh which shares his name."
Rabbis break their Yom Kippur fast with delicious Manischewitz-brand bacon.
Shortly following the announcement, Orthodox Jews across the country stormed grocery stores, feverishly buying up all the ham they could carry.
"Canned ham, smoked ham, sliced ham, potted ham, ham loaf ~ they were all flying out of here," said Chris Dinardo, manager of a butcher shop in Borough Park, a Hasidic neighbourhood in Brooklyn.
"Just last week, those same customers would stare longlingly at those hams for hours before slumping off with a roast turkey."
"Last night, five or six of those fellas with the long beards and black hats came in here and ran up a $564 bill," said Jack Burkett, owner of Smoky Jack's BBQ in Rocky Mount, NC.
"Every time we'd bring them a plate, they'd just choke out the words, 'More pig,' between bites."
"The original codes were set down thousands of years ago by a nomadic people with no knowledge of refrigeration, preservatives or disease control," said Rabbi Eliyahu Baruch of Yeshiva University.
"While we retain many of these traditions to honour our ancestors and our God, we recognize that they are unnecessary from a practical standpoint. Have you ever smelled bacon frying? Oy, vey, how my mouth waters."
"For six millennia, the story of the Jewish people has been the story of survival. "But even the most indestructible race would lose their will to live after 6,000 years of brisket."