EASY-BAKE OVEN LATEST VICTIM OF GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY

Manhattan Infidel

October 13th, 2011

The famous Easy-Bake Oven, beloved to generations of children but mom I don’t want to bake I want to go outside and play has become the latest victim of government bureaucracy run wild.  While the Easy-Bake Oven is still legal (for now) the EPA has announced that new regulations will govern the sale and use of the oven.

Using my renowned journalistic skills Demerol and my contacts in Washington I have come into possession of the new rules regulating the Easy-Bake Oven:

Due to the imminent demise of the old incandescent light bulb (which served as a heating source) all Easy-Bake ovens sold after January 1st, 2012 will use a recording of Al Gore’s speeches on the environment to heat the oven.  “It is hoped that the oven will be fired by zeal to protect our environment” said a source inside the EPA.

Because America suffers from an obesity epidemic, cakes and other fatty desserts will be banned from the Easy-Bake oven.  If a child attempts to bake a cake in the oven a warning siren will sound for one minute.  After the siren the pre-recorded voice of Chaz Bono will tell them that they are “fat and disgusting.”  Mr. Bono will also encourage the girls to amputate their breasts.

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Because the Easy-Bake oven sends the wrong message to young girls about their role in society, a timer will be placed in the oven that will record how much time a girl uses the Easy-Bake.  Those who go over the approved time limit will receive a visit from an EPA gender rights counselor.  The counselor will inform girls that they no longer have to “tied to a stove” nor will they have to “satisfy the man’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Instead the girls will be encouraged to get a degree in accounting, wear pant suits and kiss their girlfriends.

Not content with enfranchising young girls oppressed by stereotypical gender roles, the EPA has announced that they, in conjunction with Hasbro, will market the new “Easy-Bake Gay!”

The Easy Bake Gay will come with a sensor that can monitor the feelings of the person using it.  Using an emotion chip developed by Microsoft the oven will be able to detect minute changes in personality and offer solutions such as “My sensor detects you are depressed.  Let’s go antiquing.” 

“All these changes may sound extreme, but it’s in the best interest of the plebeians” said Lisa Jackson, administrator of the EPA.